Smuggling budgies in The Big City
My sister and I were standing in a subway car when a girl suddenly took her pants off and stood there in her knickers. She got off at the next stop and then a man and his small son began doing the same thing before the following stop. Two stops later, my sister and I dropped trou, sporting matching black and white stripey Bonds undies. This was the No Pants subway ride in NYC and I’m glad my sister was here to experience this organised public prank in all its weirdness.
The plan was confusing and poorly communicated, so everyone made all sorts of mistakes that invariably resulted in flocks of lost people feeling uninformed, underground, in underpants. After my group made a few bungled transfers, we realised that the connecting train that we needed to get to our destination was closed today (probably some anti-No-Pants conspiracy). There was only 1 option; we had to hoof it up on the streets.
We spilled out the exits and conducted our 12 minute walk of shame through the city. We passed a church (sorry, God). We passed people eating their lunch (sorry, kid). We passed a police station (sorry, officer). People’s first reaction was always a gawk, usually followed by a giggle and then telling or texting someone. Nobody was outraged, though. This is New York. Weird stuff goes down here all the time. It’s weird when there’s nothing weird. You visited NYC and nobody ranted to themselves, masturbated or slashed you on the Subway? Now that’s weird.
Walking pantsless was surprisingly liberating and definitely easier to do with a posse. Once we got to Union Square, we joined with all the other revelers who’d traveled in from the boroughs. Some pantsless dude played chess in the park. Darth Vader posed for photos in a Stormtrooper codpiece. Everyone generally had fun while taking photos and checking out each others’ booties and packages.
If I was to conjure up a list of life ambitions, smuggling budgies through 4 long blocks of crowded Manhattan streets probably wouldn’t have been on my bucket list, but we do what we must.